The Bees are Back

Picture courtesy of Disney Pixar

A while ago, I reported the shocking Midland headline that some bees had stopped some children from plating cricket. Well it seems the bees weren’t quite done yet, and may have in fact used the cricket match as a practice run for their main offensive: Wimbledon.

Play was temporarily stopped at the All England Championships last week as a swarm of bees attacked, causing spectators, players and officials to take cover. While many reporters captured the scenes of terror, and interview witnesses, Midland Monkey can bring you the only exclusive from the other side. We have a rare interview with the leader of the bees on the day: Squadron Leader Bill McKnees

“Well it all started earlier this year” explained Sqn. Ldr. McKnees. “We were all sat around the hive one day, it was raining you see, and we were watching Disney Pixar’s Bee Movie. In the movie, a young American bee takes on the human honey producers, since they’re taking all the honey.

“That got us thinking: far too many of us die in the line of duty these days thanks to these so called sports that you humans seem to enjoy. Think about it, we’re going about our business making honey and pollenating flowers, and all of a sudden, we’re wiped off the face of the planet by a tennis racquet, cricket bat or the like. That’s just not on.

“So we decided to do something about it, and hit the humans back where it hurts. We did a Google search and found the website for the Lawn Tennis Association. That’s why we chose Wimbledon as the best place to stage our peaceful protest, because of the media coverage.”

McKnees refused to comment when we put it to him that some of his so called peaceful protestors had engaged in violence and stung innocent passers by. He also wouldn’t confirm allogations that a small group of bees broke off from the main swarm and threw a bottle of Buxton water from the roof of Centre Court, narrowly missing officials.

“Of course I don’t condone violence on this sort of thing” said McKnees. “But unfortunately there’s always someone out to spoil the party. I hope our peaceful message highlighting the unnecessary deaths of bees has not been marred by the actions of but a few.”

Wimbledon officials were unavailable for comment, but Police did confirm that they were concerned that the protest might encourage more militant groups to stage similar demonstrations. A Senior Police Officer said yesterday, “We’re closely watching some of the more violent groups known to us at this time, and monitoring their movement. Currently there’s a swarm of wasps circling the M25, and we have a special unit tracking the movements of a splinter hornet group moving down from the north.”

Meanwhile back on the courts, play resumed as normal, and despite a disruptive ten minutes at about 4pm, everyone had a jolly good day.

Thousands of tennis fans fly into panic as giant swarm of BEES hits Murray Mount at Wimbledon | The Sun |News.

Stop Press: Newscasting for the 21st Century

The world of News can be a fickle master, especially here in the Midlands. The global news machine these days allows us to access the latest headlines on the move, through mobile Internet, Facebook, Twitter and RSS feeds. The advent of Web 2.0 has truly seen newscasting enter the 21st Century, and we’re never more than a click away from the latest up-to-the-second goings on.

For example, news broke today that hackers have again targeted Sony, claiming to have stolen millions more customer details from their servers. A man who sells wood pellets in America is claiming to have half ownership of Facebook, which has seriously annoyed the world’s youngest Billionaire – Mark Zuckerberg. And here in the UK, the exam board OCR set an impossible question on their AS-Level Mathematics paper, possibly in an attempt to halt rumours that A-Level exams are getting easier; much to the dismay of thousands of teenagers stressing over fractions and algebraic anomalies.

Most importantly however, technology has helped us here in the Midlands keep up to date with our local news. This is truly a breakthrough for us. Local newspapers are notorious for their ‘human interest’ stories that are usually of the kind you expect primary school children to write in their creative writing lessons. You know the kind: cat stuck up tree, firefighter rescues cat, cat takes on minor celebrity status and tours county appearing at village festivals and babies christenings.

Since the invention of the printing press in the 16th Century, we have been subjected to non-news, whilst the real headlines went unreported. Imagine then, our excitement, when the digital age took over to right history’s wrongs, and bring us news we cared about. The cutting edge of the local information superhighway, bringing us news headlines from our region that impact deeply on our society, and none of the waste of ink and paper we’re used to.

There is no finer example I can use to illustrate this breakthrough than that of the story reported by the local BBC this week. I hope you’re ready for it. Forget Sony, forget Mr. Zuckerberg, forget impossible exam questions, this is the news that will shock, scare, and haunt you for years to come, direct to your brains from the Midlands, thanks to the power of the Internet:

Bees have stopped some children playing cricket.

Take a second to recover. Read that again. Take a deep breath, and allow yourself to bask in the warmth of knowing that this story would have gone unreported outside of the Midlands, if it weren’t for the Web.

We might not be the tough, gritty North; or the intellectual South; but we have news that rivals any other in the world. Imagine the terror, fear, and sandwich-dropping alarm that tore across a quiet field in Derby this week as South Derbyshire U15s took on Derby City U15s at the most noble of English sports. A swarm of bees engulfed the pitch and caused players and officials to take refuge in the pavilion. When the coast was clear, play resumed. The squadron of bees however had been regrouping, and launched another attack. In fear of someone knocking over the tea, the Umpire called the match abandoned, and everyone fled for the safety of their homes.

Eye witnesses report that during the attack, one person was stung, and the excruciating pain caused by the poison coursing through his nervous system invoked a terror response in which he involuntarily called out, “Ooh, you little bugger”, before seeking medical attention.

Experts are baffled by the occurrence. One unrelated source added later: “I can’t explain it, we always assumed bees enjoyed a good game of cricket like the rest of us. The only explanation I can think of, is that these bees were a marauding swarm from neighbouring Nottingham, out to cause a bit of trouble over the border.”

The investigation continues, but thanks to the power of the Internet, you can rest assured that once more information is available, you’ll be able to read all about it thanks to the pioneering newcasting from your local Midlands news station.

More on this story, including the shock headline can be found here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-13629525